Chairman’s Butt, 3rd Edition

Humbug
The storied Islay distillery, Spewmoor today announced the 3rd and final edition in its successful Chairman’s Butt series. The first two limited editions of 300,000 bottles each sold out within hours of their release in 2012 and 2014, with customers falling over themselves to purchase bottles at £100 each and then to turn around and sell them to each other at £250 each. The first two releases, noted Hamish McGammon, Director of Cynicism at Spewmoor’s parent company Chundery, comprised 10 year old whisky matured in sherry casks specially chosen and blowtorched to impart a colour that would match the darkness of the board of directors’ souls and to distract drinkers from the strong aromas and flavours of sulphur in the whisky itself. Given the excitement with which these releases were consumed (and the breathless reviews and scores they received), the company was persuaded to release one final limited edition of 500,000 bottles in Europe, North America, South America, Oceania, Asia, Africa and Antarctica only.

For the final release the legendary warehouse #3103, located in an industrial park south of Glasgow, was scoured to find the best casks over three years of age that were worthy of bearing the name Chairman’s Butt. “Our Chairman,” continued McGammon, “wanted this whisky to be a gift of sorts from the company to our dedicated customers and only those casks were selected whose contents on first sniff and sip would identify themselves as whisky that could only have come from the depths of the Chairman’s Butt”. When asked if the dropping of the age statement on the label signaled a further commitment on the distillery’s part to the rising tide of NAS whisky, McGammon urged consumers to focus not on the age of the whisky but on how much money the company would make. The 300% increase to a retail price of £300, he explained, will also help customers not think about the fact that the whisky in the bottle is 3-5 years old. Furthermore, this is after all the last in the series; at least until another 100 casks of four year old whisky will accidentally be discovered when the roof caves in on the gardener’s shed behind the chairman’s office. McGammon clarified that the distillery has already begun work on weakening the shed’s roof.

As pre-orders are already through the roof it seems that customers are not complaining. Indeed the only reservation that some had was that it would now be hard to afford more than five bottles of the next edition of Ardbeg’s Supernova, which it is said is not going to be whisky at all but mezcal. Exciting times are clearly ahead for the Scotch industry!

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